How I See
by ligaras
Summary: So I think that’s how, or why, I found myself somewhat emotional and exposed, with my one good arm resting on a thin piece of cool iron railing.


Disclaimer: CSI is not mine, my thoughts are 

Rating: K+ (one 'bad' word)

Spoilers: Up to _ A La Cart_

A/N: For one awesome fictional character - post _A La Cart_, Sara's POV

Summary: So I think that's how, or _why,_ I found myself somewhat emotional and exposed, with my one good arm resting on a thin piece of cool iron railing.**  
**

**How I See**

So I think that's how, or _why,_ I found myself somewhat emotional and exposed, with my one good arm resting on a thin piece of cool iron railing.

xxxxx

The black metal was solid enough to lean on, yet not substantial enough to sufficiently hide behind. The oversized aluminum building contained nearly everything and everyone I have come to define myself by these past seven years. Even the foreign corrugated walls surrounding the track reflected a sense of comfort, family and familiarity, because _they_ were all around me. Yet…somehow, at that moment, I knew that the life I know, the definition of 'Sara Sidle - CSI,' will never quite be the same.

'Life will flash before your eyes in the seconds before you die,' or so they say. I cheated death, but kept the ticket to the slideshow. It's obviously a show I'll be watching alone and that's just how it's got to be. I consider it a privilege really, to be allowed this insight into my own life and I recognize it as an amazing opportunity, one not to be taken lightly. Yet, with privileges come certain responsibilities, you know?

'I could use more daylight in my life.' It was one of the first realizations that had come to me - ironic really, because it had taken years in the dark for me to see that fact clearly. Darkness has this tendency to obstruct one's view, if one escapes it for even just a second. It's an all-or-nothing state that way I think. Stay in the dark and you can safely navigate its terrain. Poke your head out door number two for a glimpse of that sun and she will leave you blinded upon return.

Now…now I'm learning to take advantage of the contrast offered by the proper balance of light and dark, like a yin-yang I guess. And that's new to me. Get it _just_ right and you will start to see those little details you've missed all this time, allowing a few more possibilities to come to light. Stuff I once brushed off as 'not me' now suddenly pops up on the horizon and…it's absolutely mind-blowing.

We _had _discussed it, Gil and I, and he offered to be the one to make the change, to be the one to transfer to swing. However, the way I see it the change will affect us both equally hard either way, so the added stress on our team; our family, seemed pointless. There was undeniable unity out there on that track, zooming around the corners one after the other, all smiling at me. I smiled back; wishing I could have shared just a smidge of how I felt with all of them. But I honestly didn't know how I felt about everything…probably never will.

I just know that on my shoulders now rests this self-appointed commitment, or not so self-appointed…really. This huge responsibility of maintaining who I am through what to me is a major change, and I am terrified I'll fuck it up. I know Gil and Gil knows me, it is effortless and I take great comfort in that. But we got to know each other under the cover of darkness, working together out of mutual understanding and admiration in a pretty isolated world. And now that cover is being lifted, in more ways than one. Now we will be taking on working _apart, _together. Not so simple. So much of what and who we are, individually and as a couple, is infiltrated in our work. Not the job itself, per se, but the respect for each other that results from it. I don't know. I mean I _do_ know we'll still have that respect, and looking back on these past two years I even believe we have realized something above and beyond that, I know we have. But it's still a foray into the unknown, one that was decided _for_ us, not _by_ us. And that's a tough pill for me to swallow…wasn't supposed to be like this.

'Follow the evidence.' Gil taught me that so I know he will do the same. And the truth is that what we have is…_everything_. Who we are now can survive anything. His unguarded eyes and expression told me as much before he started maneuvering the go-kart around those twists and turns. Gil is determined, determined to catch up with everybody – and with me. He's definitely on the right track. And I sense that Gil too will eventually leave the darkness behind in favor of the light. We will learn to live, love, laugh like before, working together on the many impending changes and possibilities for the rest of our lives, as _us_.

It can be overwhelming the things that you see and the things that you don't. I could feel it coming and couldn't do anything but try to smile. They were bittersweet smiles, but not faked – never faked. Everything and everyone had started to look blurry to me, and it was so confusing. One who loves me deeply once told me that sometimes that's the best place to be.

Am I scared? Worried about what I have to lose, concerned for what I have? Aren't they one and the same? When has my life ever been this good, this perfect, and this vulnerable?

For the first time in my life I am not running away from the pain, I am running _with_ it. All the way up that hill. And I'm not alone. Once there, looking to that horizon, I – _we_ – will see the answers. Maybe this is meant to be one of life's many riddles, one we'll solve together? If so, we won't be unhappy.

You'll see.

FIN


End file.
